Long Distance Relationships

 

 

 

What is a Long Distance Relationship?

A long distance relationship (or LDR for short) is considered long distance when communication opportunities are restricted because of geographic distance, and the partners in the relationship desire a continued close connection.
 

You aren't alone...

  • 25% - 50% of college students are in a LDR at any given time

  • 75% of college students at some point have been in a LDR
    (Stafford, 2005)

Do Long Distance Relationships Work?

Yes they do!!!
But it takes work on both ends of the relationship in order for the relationship to remain intact.

Before Being Separated

It is important to settle the rules and terms of the relationship before the separation takes place. Problems can arise if one partner believes that the relationship is casual and open, while the other is making sacrifices and putting effort into a monogamous relationship. Engaging in open and honest communication about the separation and discussing what each partner wants from the relationship will help to reduce such confusion.

Important Traits for LDR Couples

Trust – Trust is essential for both parties in order for a LDR to survive. It's especially important in a long distance relationship because often there is a fear that your partner will end up with another person. Lack of trust can lead to doubt, jealousy, suspicion, and paranoia.

Commitment – It’s difficult to put in the effort necessary to make a LDR work without commitment. Temptation to cheat may be too inviting to individuals who are not committed to the relationship.

Independence – It's helpful for both parties to have some independence because of being separated for a long period of time. With long distance, it is difficult to depend on one another for gratification and happiness. Partners who have their own circle of friends and participate in enjoyable hobbies may fare better than couples who are too dependent on each other.

Organization – It's helpful for partners in a LDR to be well organized, so that they can schedule time for the other into their agenda every day.

Pros and Cons to a LDR

Pros

  • Appreciate the separation in order to focus on school and on each other when together

  • Freedom and autonomy

  • Sense of rejuvenation when you see the partner in person

  • Appreciation for the relationship

  • Better rested than those in close-proximity relationships

  • Perform better academically

Cons

  • Pressure to make sure time spent together is high quality and avoid disagreements

  • When separated again, feelings of being let down or sad to return to everyday lifestyle without partner

  • Sometimes distance creates too much of a gap

  • Feelings of loneliness heightens need for security

  • Difficulty maintaining intimacy

Tips for Success

  • Set up Phone Dates and take them as serious as physical dates

  • Send E-Mail and Letters

  • Call randomly, even if it’s only for two minutes, to see how your partner is doing

  • Surprise your partner with small, personal, and loving gifts

  • Send a personal item that you use frequently that would instantly remind them of you

  • Keep open communication with partner

  • Share your plans for the upcoming week

  • Rent the same movie and have a movie date

  • Look at the stars together and talk about it over the phone

  • Buy the same book and discuss it together

  • Mail a note or stuffed animal sprayed with your cologne or perfume

  • Send each other a plant to take care of

  • Webcam dates

  • Visit them (if you can afford it) 

  Endure the Distance

While it can be sad, frustrating, and depressing at times to miss someone, you’ll find that you are able to handle it. Even though you miss your partner, it’s normal and healthy to accept the distance and direct your energy to things you can control. You can…

  • Be active on campus

  • Join a club

  • Go see a movie in a genre your partner doesn’t like much

  • Attend social events

  • Study

  • Make new friends

  • Go to a museum

There are a million things you can do, and the more you do, the more you have to talk to your partner about next time you talk.

Rules of the Road

The rules between two people in a long-distance relationship need to reflect what both members want and are able to handle. The key is being able to follow through on your promises. If you are in a LDR consider what rules you have already established. What’s working? What isn’t? What do you want to change? Is there anything you are afraid to tell your partner?

If the rules you agreed upon aren’t respected they won’t mean much. If you agreed because you felt pressured or didn’t want to lose your partner, you may soon feel resentment. The only time to agree to not see other people is when both partners in the LDR are in agreement and sure that is what they want. Consider these questions:

  • Do I feel ready to promise not to see anyone else?

  • Do I think it’s going to be hard to go to a social event and feel that I’m not allowed to form any other relationships?

  • Might this cause me to meet other people and go behind my partner’s back?

  • Will I feel resentful or tied down?

This has to do with your own sense of readiness. It wouldn’t be fair to either of you to make promises that you can’t keep or don’t want to, just to keep the relationship. (Rosenberg, 1992)

Tip: Don’t hang on to a long-distance relationship just because it’s safe and secure.

Secret Tips for Success

Whether you are in a long-distance relationship or a close-proximity relationship these tips will help: 

  • To stay together, you must remember to play together.

  • “Why” questions almost always trigger a defensive reaction. Ask real questions to elicit new information, not “yes, no” answers.

  • Consider your partner’s motives. Ask yourself “Do I truly believe my partner intended to hurt me? Then discuss the behavior of both people, and work towards acting differently the next time

  • Eliminate the words - "always - every - never - forever" from your dialogues.

  • Learn to say "sorry."  It's an important part of moving on from an argument.

  • Talk a lot and often. Communication is key to success!

  • If you’re in a co-ed residence hall on campus, be careful about dating a floor mate.

A Final Word

Long distance relationships are emotionally challenging, but if you can make it, they are also worth it.
 

References:  Cohen, H. (2005). The naked roommate: And 107 other issues you might run into in college. Naperville, Illinois: Sourcebooks, Inc. Rosenberg, E. (1992). College life. New York: Penguin Books. Stafford, L. (2005). Maintaining long-distance and cross-residential relationships. Mahwah, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.

Websites to Check Out: Lovingyou.com includes different letters from people in LDR, different ideas for communication, and tips and ideas to help get through the distance. Also includes poems, ecards, and more. http://www.lovingyou.com/content/advice/ldr/

Dr. Guldner, the director for the study of long-distance relationships, started longdistancerelationships.net to offer advise, resources, and books to those who are interested in learning more about LDR’s. http://www.longdistancerelationships.net/

Askmen.com offers a helpful information page directed towards men in LDR’s, giving advice and useful information. http://www.askmen.com/dating/datingadvice/26_dating_tips.html

Theromantic.com offers tips for those in LDR’s. http://www.theromantic.com/stories/longdistance/main.htm

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Updated Mau 22, 2009
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